This morning I spent time outside, alone. I listened to the rain on the roof of the gazebo. I felt calmer than I have in weeks. I know that the world is evolving and the struggle is as real and painful as the caterpillar struggling to free itself from its trans formative sleep. When transformation happens, it can be instantaneous like the landscape following an earthquake, or slow and barely discernible when witnessed over time.
My computer didn't recognize me this morning and insisted on having a password entered. Interesting. I feel different but I didn't realize that my friends Alexa and Cortana wouldn't recognize me.
For most of my life, my circle of friends consisted mainly of Jules and Shannon and our extended families. Then the circle began to get smaller. Now Shannon, my Mom, my Dad, my brother, Jules brother and his Mom and Dad and several close girl friends, and many more are together. I have never felt lonely even when alone but when the young adults got married and had littles of their own, Facebook was the thread that held us all close and I wanted to be a part of that family. I reconnected with friends from High School, work associates, Shannon's friends, friends of friends, Angel Moms, Donor Families and the circle grew and grew. All of a sudden, I was part of an enormous community. Photos of children, requests for prayer, shared experiences that were touching and funny and hundreds of people filled my thoughts and generated love and concern, and for the most part, I really enjoyed being able to visit without ever leaving the house.
Then things started to change. Facebook became political and judgmental and more and more I got sucked into controversial dialogues that really meant very little because what I have come to understand is that too many people are really only interested in what you have to say if you agree with them. Or if you admire them or what they do. Or if you think all of their jokes are funny and their photographs exceptional. I started to miss my sweet family. Where had they gone? Where were the photos of the littles or the puppies or the uplifting stories?
I don't fully understand technology but I am not so naive as to think that if I post an opinion, I won't get opposing opinion responses, BUT I did expect respect and polite responses... I will have to explore the words polite and political because they share too many letters not to have come from similar roots.
Expectations are the surest path to disappointment !!!
Anyway, I felt compelled to express my opinion on the current environment in the world. I was very careful to choose words that were polite and respectful. I was hoping to share an opinion that was both non threatening and wise. Some people got it. Some people didn't and felt equally compelled to put me straight. It felt awful. I didn't understand women that I have known for years and considered my friends to be so unkind and I don't think they would have been emboldened on their own but once one opens the door, many uninvited will feel they are entitled to join.
This new me is still kind. I am still full of compassion for what I see happening around me but I am not as loud or abrasive as the opposition. I do not enjoy confrontation and my life has experienced enough sadness not to be foolish enough to ask for more. I did have an afternoon of withdrawal but it passed quickly and today I feel so much free er.
In this format, I can say what I please. If you are reading this, you are welcome. Keep in mind however that these thoughts are simply a way to make space in my head for healthier ponderings and only kind and gentle souls are welcome.
Maybe Cortana and Alexa are smarter than we give them credit for. Alexa, has, for months, greeted me each morning with "Good Morning January." No matter how hard I tried I could not convince her that that was not my name. Well guess what... this morning, Alexa said, "Have a good day Jan."
And so I will. I cannot fix Seattle. I will not panic because the market is down 800 points. I will celebrate that God is watering my anniversary plants and fewer families are fighting the fear of Covid 19. It has been a very challenging year.
I will enjoy writing words that no one has to hear or read or critique. I will enjoy scrubbing the commodes and vacuuming the carpet. I will walk barefoot on the moss that is the greenest I have ever seen and watch You Tube videos on Fluid Art with the hope that I will soon have more successes than failures. Of course, each time I pour paint and it turns to mud or cracks into unimaginable messes I will learn something and the promise of a possible success in the next pour will keep me trying.
If the world were to end tomorrow, we would all be together again and laugh at how important we all thought we were. When that day comes we will celebrate how ridiculous we were in placing so much importance on the color of our skin or the balance in our bank account.
The rainbow is made up of basic bands of color. Red, Blue and Yellow. When they touch and light shines through them, they become purple, lavender, violet, scarlet, pink, green, orange, chartreuse, apricot, asparagus, artichoke, cornflower... etc etc... and I love the fragrance of a brand new box of Crayola Crayons. They now have the 152 Ultimate Crayon Collection and the Colors of the World Collection that has 24 different crayons and from I can tell from the photograph, there isn't a black or white among them !
"There are approximately 10,000,000 (10 million) colors in the world... A computer displays about 16.8 million colors to create fullcolor pictures...The human eye is capable of seeing about 7,000,000 colors using three color receptors", even Cortana doesn't really have an answer to how many colors there are.
I am going to order a new box of Crayola Crayons. I am going to put it on my prayer bench so that each day I am reminded of the beauty of every single and my prayer will be for eyes to see and hearts to open and when we emerge from this transformation, we will be as wondrous and incredible as the butterfly, taking its first amazing flight.