Last night I was thinking about why I have not felt comfortable sharing my feelings in this 25th year since Shannon's return to Heaven and realized that I was concerned that it would appear that I was sharing grief... and the world has too much of that as it is. Then I realized that memories shared are reminders that love is what matters....what sustains and lifts and opens and carries us when the world turns upside down.
Silence comes slowly, gradually, when we understand with every fiber of our being that those we love are not forgotten in silence but grow ever closer without the frantic noise of our fear.
For the past 25 years, I have given myself the month of April to be however I need to be. We celebrate Shannon's birthday on April 5, and then move slowly toward May 1. There is something mystical about memories of gifts and tragedies. They are part of us and our body and soul remember even if our mind embraces and clambers for distractions.
Some years, when I am anxious and angry and tired and sad ... when I question what on earth is going on ... my heart finally gets my attention and reminds me of where I was when the life I knew ended and I had to embark ... blind and broken ... on something new and undefined.
I know that Shannon is with me. There is a line in a song by Andrea Bocelli, "Fall On Me", and the lyrics bring me to tears every time I hear them because of the truth in every line.
" I close my eyes and I'm seeing you everywhere...I step outside...It's like I'm breathing you in the air...I can feel you're there..."
So, softly I share my love for the amazing child that graced my life and the young woman who became my dearest friend in memory of a life lived beautifully, compassionately and generously. I share my love... not my grief because I remember what it was like in those days of all encompassing emptiness... and if you are there, know that your memories of joy and laughter will one day fill the emptiness and although you will never be the same, you will be more, and your love will one day carry you Home.