For a while I have thought that perhaps I shouldn't share so much. Should keep some of my personal musings private. But today, when I ran across 25 year old musings that felt like such a note of encouragement, I opted to share. It's okay if you don't want to read any further, your life is full of your own musings and memories and time is so precious. BUT...
We hold on. We hold on to bits of paper and coins and ticket stubs. We cherish the green barrell of monkies and the Barney night light, the blessed rosary and the baby Weeble. We hold on... until our lives are so overflowing with those treasures, reminders of our past that we can't experience fully this present moment.
We wonder why we forget appointments, why we make list after list, why we lose our glasses, our keys, our shoes, for goodness sake. Maybe we have a finite hard drive and because we have lived and loved so very much, we are out of room for extraneous data.
Shannon didn't take after her Mom in the clutter category. She valued everything but held on to very little. This is a collage that she made, a terrible photo , but a beautiful piece that hangs in my office/library/computer room. It is like her jounal, full of moments that she treasured. Mementos displayed. They speak volumes and they aren't obscurred, tucked in boxes and baskets and bags, under beds or in closets. As I work my way through these 40 bags in 40 days, I am trying to let her speak to me. To remind me that I don't need every scrap of paper... I hold these precious memories in a far safer place and if I allow myself room to breathe, the panic that I might forget, without the reminders, will ease.
Of course there are treasures, buried beneath the rubble and when I find one I take a minute to appreciate all that that moment meant and I savor it.
Shannon was 14 when I wrote these words. I never imagined, that these words would be resurrected some 25 years later by the older, slightly broken version of me, and offer reassurance and encouragement.
"June 8, 1989
When do we begin to hear the words of our inner prompter? That friend that asks no favor and needs only to be there for us when we seek them for comfort or companionship.
Take heart in every action that requires a reaction from you for in that moment of reaction you have touched the heart of being. There are no mistakes, so never regret your decisions. Know that you make every choice and take every action, to experience another facet of your being. You may not realize the significance at the time, but you always shine a little brighter and light a little more of the darkness for every step you take toward the Divine within you.
There is always eternal peace if you can experience life in the moment. Don't worry about what you should be doing, no lamenting about what you could have done or will do, or what if this or that? We are at each and every moment safely in the loving hands of our Father. There is no love greater or longer lived than that. Each moment begins the next and if we can learn to live and love ourselves completely, then we can learn to give ourselves this gift. This gift of peace of mind and heart.
We are born unlimited, the essence of our Creator, but are quickly taught to forget who and what we are in defference to what others think we should become. We outgrow the magic and learn limitation. We learn that we can only "do so much", and forget that in God, all things possible.
Death is to be mourned ? Why? This is the next step, a return to what we are and what we live longing for. That place of wonder just around the corner, that thing we can't quite remember but know is there. An ecstatic reunion with our true selves."
All I really remember about that time is that I was happy. Jules and Shannon were happy. We were whole and our family was happy. I was totally into Angels and had attended a workshop on "Communicating with your Angels". Later that week I wrote that page.
What I know for sure is that my Angels didn't leave me when sorrow replaced joy. They have been waiting patiently for me to excavate and declutter and rediscover what I have always known but had forgotten.
On days like these, I am certain that Shannon, my Mom, Maw Maw and and a myriad of others that have gone ahead, are watching, taking a break from their harps and cloud napping ( of course Shannon is shaking her head and smiling at that one ) to assure me that we are all okay.
We hold on... we hold on with a white knuckled grip, until we know that it's okay to let go. To open our hands, our hearts and our minds so that we are ready to receive whatever the next gift is. With each bag, I am once step closer to beginning again, to remembering that all things are possible.