Sam continues to decline and my heart is breaking. Every decision comes with more questioning and more sorrow, sorrow that seems so disproportionate to the loss I am about to experience... one that I have experienced many many times before.
I keep thinking of the enormity of the losses my friends have experienced just over the last few months. Watching my kitty leave this life is nothing by comparison and yet the anticipation of this change feels unbearable.
I can say to myself, he was almost dead when he came to live with us. He has had a happy life and he has been kept safe and well loved and yet as I sit here in this quiet house anticipating his absence on my pillow at night, I am overwhelmed.
When I lost Shannon I couldn't breathe. I wept for years, until I finally found the well within my heart where all the tears could go without pouring out onto the people around me. Over the years, the well has continued to fill and what I have finally realized this morning is that every sorrow is like the wick that reaches into that well bringing every sorrow to the surface once again.
Our furry family members bring a special calm to a world that at times appears to have gone mad. They ask only for food and love and they give so much in return. They fill empty spaces within and without and their departure leaves a void that is hard to explain.
Heaven is Home. I don't doubt that truth. When all is right with my world I can smile when I think of Shannon sitting on her front porch with Digger and Em, Riddle and Yanni and Michoud. I can appreciate how precious my time with her was and how incredibly she blessed my life, and I know that she is making a special place for Sam...but when sadness touches my world, regardless of how large or how small... I selfishly want her here with me. I want her hand to hold, her reassurance that my decisions are sound and compassionate. I want her wisdom.
The sadness ebbs. Life rushes back in like the waves and washes over the sadness with something close to joy, until you can embrace the real thing again but in the meantime it's okay to wallow. We simply have to allow ourselves the experience of feeling to our very core, the things that matter most, the joyous and the sad.
The UPS person just rang the door bell. A gift from a friend Shannon sent my way. The most beautiful prayer beads with a tiny silver "Peace" as the final bead. Perhaps that is, as it has always been, the answer. Send your whispers up to Heaven and allow.
Far easier said than done, I'm afraid.