For most of my life I've felt "not quite good enough". Never was this more apparent than when I retired and attempted to find a "new direction".
I had dreamed of finally having my own Polarity Therapy practice. I had worked toward that goal for years. Once I retired I converted our dining room into a 'therapy' room. I had business cards printed. I filled small white shelves with flower essences and essential oils and continued to take classes and frame certificates. I gifted sessions, and imagined the satisfaction in "working" at something I love.
Then I decided that I wasn't comfortable charging for something that came straight from my heart... but I realized quickly that most of us are not comfortable accepting things for free. I think we have some misguided notion that if something is free, that is exactly what it is worth...nothing.
Okay, so photography was another love. I completed my Professional Photography training, framed my diploma and purchased equipment. I created a web site, had business cards printed, took more classes and studied more books. I took photos and spent months attempting to PERFECT my skills. I taught myself PhotoShop, LightRoom, Portrait Professional and Digital Professional. Again, I wasn't convinced that I was adequate to charge for my time.
Lastly, I decided that it was finally time to write that book that I have been working on since Shannon went to Heaven. I took more classes, read more books on writing books, started this blog and allowed my soul to spill onto blank pages, trying to find the courage to allow my 'writer's voice' to be heard. So many of you have encouraged me and given me a sense of purpose and I will be eternally grateful, but when the opportunity presented itself to put it out there between two covers, I choked.
Then Verizon called, and I was once again able to utilize the only skill set that had ever earned me a living. A skill set that I knew I had perfected ... THREE YEARS ago. Now... I'm older, and apparently not a damn bit wiser. It's hard to work at the top of telephone poles when the heat index is hovering at 111 ! It's harder to be corrected by people who are half your age. Even with almost forty years of experience, there is no money in the budget for equipment ~ tools and a truck for "Working Retirees"... so I have to beg or borrow, which for three months has felt for all the world like grovelling, each and every day, to be able to do my job.
So... the idea that I was going to feel confident and successful going back to cable splicing was a bit of a fantasy... a fantasy with a weekly paycheck though, and you can do a lot of grovelling when there is a financial reward for your hard work !
Okay... so hang in there with me because there is a point to all of this rambling. I joined Weight Watchers AGAIN ! I purchased a skin care regimen guaranteed to erase the lines of time spreading across my face. I started reading more articles and books on self improvement... and got more and more anxious. All I was able to see were my shortfalls. Once again, perfection eluding me at every turn.
THEN... the epiphany !~ I will never be perfect. Honestly, I don't want to be perfect. The best at anything only means that at least one other well meaning, hard working, disappointed over achiever is NOT AS GOOD AS... and I don't want to be the reason for that sad face !
It's amazing how much better I started to feel as I realized that I am a good wife, a good Mom, a good neighbor, a good friend, a good splicer, a good photographer, a good writer, a good cook, a good daughter, a good sister, a good person. I have good health, a good job, a good heart and a good outlook (most days). I have good skin that reflects a life that has been filled to overflowing with love and laughter and a sorrow that I continue to learn to live with. As I embraced my "good"ness, I had one of Oprah's "light bulb" moments and as if the universe was rewarding me for finally 'getting it', the radio was announcing that someone on Capitol Hill had just said, with regard to the Debt Ceiling Bill, "Don't let perfection be the enemy of good" ! I couldn't believe it. I was on the same page as a politician ! How scarey is that? Truth is, the quote is Voltaire's but even so the timing was beyond belief.
So here I am, and this morning, in this moment, I'm good.
Thanks for letting me share. I had to have these thoughts in writing because I'm relatively certain that I will allow life to make me think, probably more than once in the days to come, that good enough isn't really good enough....but I'll revisit this Saturday morning epiphany, breathe a sigh of relief at not having to try so very hard, and smile !