Once again, I am grateful for ordinary days... but even in the calm, we can't always quiet the voices of doubt or fear or regret.
A decision made in the heat of a moment... a cross word that escapes the censor, letting a call go to voice mail, listening to the voice of reason instead of the song of your heart... and life changes. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse... sometimes in ways unnoticeable... until much much later.
The thought that interrupted my less than peaceful sleep last night was that I might become the person I least want to be... the person that lets that thorn in my paw make me bitter or angry or resentful. Bad attitudes don't always reflect their genuine source and the image we project resembles anything but wounded feelings or self preservation.
We desperately try to remove the thorn from everyone else's paw - whether they want us to or not - and ignore our own pain until it begins to change our perspective - and our attitude. In an effort to be what we think we should be, what others want us to be, we begin to resent them... and they have done nothing, really, except let us have our way.
In those moments when we need the salve but can't isolate the pain, it's often best just to surrender to it. It is true that transformation takes hard work and more effort than we think we can endure - but I'm sure every butterfly struggling to free itself from the confines, and safety, of the cocoon, has had similar thoughts.
I have been on this mission to find my purpose. Today the mission focused on photography. My course is almost complete. I'm ready to commit. I read about web sites. Business models. Professional Photographers of America. Define your target market. Develop your professional story. Join your local chamber of commerce. Comment on other blogs. Enter Photo Contests. Attend a seminar. Learn search engine optimization.
I felt my heart racing. My palms sweating. My head spinning. Everything requires incredible outlays of time and money and experience and confidence and self actualization !! I rubbed my eyes and massaged the muscles in my neck, adjusted my desk chair, took my glasses off and cleaned them, but everything still looked the same - overwhelming.
So I turned off the computer. Whew ! I could breathe again. I thought about the joy of taking photographs. Capturing moments to save forever. Business and Joy don't seem to be mutually inclusive with me and I'm not sure what that means ... so with the computer turned off, I reached for Julia Cameron's "Faith and Will". Never quite able to find my way through a book from beginning to end, but trusting that when I just need a nudge, or a 'message', the book at hand, opened to a random page, often holds the answer, and today was no exception. On page 19, the message was clear and true...
"In order to work with God, we must assume that God is willing to work with us. To do that, we must assume that God can start right where we are and not at some imaginary place we have to get to in order to meet him. Got is not waiting to rendezvous with us once we have earned the right to his attention. God is waiting for us right now, just where we are.
Very often when we think about what we would like to have happen in our lives, we cast ourselves very far forward and out of the day we are in. No wonder everything seems so impossible and so difficult. We cast our selves far into the future where we stand alone and buffeted, wondering where God is.
God works in the day that we actually have going on. God's miracles are miniature daily miracles. They are miracles of evolution and miracles of progress. They are the small miracles that add up to large miracles. They are tiny right steps that lead us in the right direction. If we want to find God, we need first to find ourselves. That is where God is. Right with us."
Now how is that for a gift straight from Heaven! And with that, God and I are taking a break from all the have tos, need tos, and gotta dos... to enjoy the miracles of the moment ~ Thank you Julia for being the messenger of the day !