Just sitting here, listening to old songs and thunder. Sammy our dog/cat is under the bed and I'm trying to decide whether to sit here and ponder or venture outside. I've been going in circles all day, at loose ends. I started the day with a plan that included cleaning the house but somehow I managed to end the day with the same plan for tomorrow. I did manage to spray gloss black Rustoleum on the metal chairs, my feet and the part of the gray deck that wasn't covered. I blew the leaves that are dropping like it's fall, off of the sidewalks and move stones away from the pond. I found something to eat every hour and a half and berated myself for lacking any discipline whatsoever. I'm listening to Jodi singing "Bring on the Rain" and tomorrow is another day, and I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain !
Funny how emotions simmer, deep and slow, until the sadness of the world brings them to a full rolling boil. I didn't know Ed or Farrah or Michael, but their transitions have given rise to a societal if not global sense of loss that is valid and real but also surreal. Loss is an unavoidable facet of life. It follows us like a shadow, sometimes long and lean, other times short and unrecognizable but it follows, silent and unimposing.
I realized after Shannon "left" that I had always been afraid of that shadow. But as long as we look into the light instead of away from it, the shadow remains invisible and we can live unafraid. I'm not quite there yet... I'm still afraid of being left behind. Losing someone else I love. An unending challenge that we have to recognize, acknowledge and then turn back toward the light, and keep moving one step at a time.
I haven't quite figured out how to be retired. I like routine and purpose and a plan. I'm comfortable when I have a plan, safe, and certain. Tomorrow morning I'll probably have a plan... to clean house and maybe tomorrow I won't keep going in circles trying to stay on course. I'll let you know.