And then I cried... and then I cried some more. Jules is working so I had the house to myself and sometimes in the midst of tears for imaginary friends, some of your own find their way into the daylight.
I finally graduated. I thought I would be = oh, I don't know, I thought a bright light would shine over my destiny and I'd know exactly what I am supposed to do now ... still in the dark. So many paths look promising but I think myself into exhaustion.
I have had one flash of insight though, and I know I'll ramble all over the place so hang on and I promise we'll get there. Several years ago we put in a goldfish pond. Nothing elaborate. One of those black plastic inserts that came in a huge box from Sam's Club. Jane got one for Bob and I thought it was such a great idea I got one too. I remember the day we went to get hers. We took the van and a frightful wind was blowing us across the parking lot, it caught that box and I thought we might take flight ... so much has changed but the van still runs and the ponds still don't leak.
Yep, off track.... okay back to the pond. Six precious goldfish, some pond plants, the sound of the fountain, day lilies and a lily pad. I kept the pond pristine. I was always cleaning the filter and thoroughly enjoyed looking out of Shannon's bedroom window, watching my little fish, it never occurred to me that if I could see them so clearly from above, others could too!
Well, they grew and the next year we had baby fish. That was wonderful and I loved taking care of them and naming them and feeding them and they learned to come to the surface when they heard my voice and I added plants but the lily pad never bloomed.
By the third or forth year I had far too many fish for the pond so instead of giving some away, I put in a second pond... and the Great Blue Heron discovered that we were on his flightpath and kept stopping by for snacks. I tried all manner of tricks to keep him away but finally had to resort to covering the ponds with netting. The lily pad still hadn't bloomed and despite my best efforts the fish population dwindled until at the end of last summer I only had two fish. One of the originals and an offspring.
Two ponds, two fish... so I moved both fish to one pond, kept it clean and the pump running all winter and allowed the other pond to fill with leaves and debris and felt guilty every time I walked by it that I had allowed it to simply "be" unattended, all winter. Well, yesterday I went out to clean the filter in the fishies' pond only to discover a beautiful white and yellow water lily blooming in the uckey pond. And there is a family of frogs, a lizard or two and some iris just growing as happily as can be....in the neglected pond!!
Now I know there is a message in there somewhere. Mother Nature has a way of getting our attention in the simplest and most amazing ways. Is it possible that we work so hard trying to get our lilies to bloom that we rob them of the very ingredients they need to thrive? I have pushed so diligently toward something ... I don't know what... only the pushing part... that I never allowed the lovely debris of simply living to settle to the bottom and become the fertile medium that allows life to bloom.
Maybe that's why I'm sitting here writing to myself. Allowing the lovely debris of my life to settle in lines and curves and dots onto a page... tears, joy, love, curiosity, wisdom, innocence... memories like leaves floating, landing, absorbing, sinking, lingering, dissolving and blooming.
The beautiful lilies of our lives.